Fear is beginning to set in.  Yes, I can walk the walk and talk the talk that I can do this – get pregnant, carry a child, raise them into a (hopefully) contributing and somewhat normal (really, who’s normal) member of society.  I have to admit – I am freaking out.  And not a little bit.  A lot.  Here are just a few of the things I am freaking out about (friends, if the list seems small, remember I am only talking about pregnancy here):

 

  1. Being pregnant – What is going to happen?  How sick will I be?  How quickly will people notice?  When should I tell people?  And yes, I know most of the pregnancy books tell you these answers but that doesn’t necessarily help you get over the fear.  I was just reading a book the other day about all of the foods I cannot eat.  What if they forgot one?  Are there pregnancy rules that people are just supposed to know?  If there are – let me know tell – I DON’T KNOW ANY!
  2. The months where you are really big.  – There are a few months of this whole thing that are particularly scary – months 6 through 9.  I see these women, waddling around, rubbing their bellies, being patient when no one on the bus or subway gives up their seat for them.  A person gets really big.  Again, it goes back to my other posting – how in the world does skin stretch like that?  And how does one sleep?  I lie awake many nights as it is – I suppose I’ll have one more reason for the darkening circles under my eyes.
  3. Labour – I did not realize the physical changes that happen, your pelvis widens!  Amazing!  I struggle with the whole labour thing.  Yes, I know I will have to go through it – but I’m not prepared for it.  They say no one can be prepared.  What I realized is, I think women (or at least some of them) forget how painful it was.  I recently watched a Discovery documentary that followed several women through labour and one of them was on her third but she didn’t look any more relaxed. 
  4. Bringing the baby home – I know hospitals are kicking new moms out about as quickly as a Tim Horton’s drive-through during rush hour.  But my big question is – WHAT DO I DO WITH THE BABY WHEN I GET HOME?
  5. Breastfeeding – You mean to tell me milk will come out of my nipples?  Need I say more…
  6. Screwing the kid up – This is a lot of pressure – raising a child.  I still haven’t found myself, how in the world am I supposed to raise this child.  If I worry too much in front of the baby – he/she will grow into a nervous nelly; if I fret too much about my weight – he/she will have body and eating issues; if I clean too hard/too frequently – I may have an OCD child on my hands.  How does one balance the insecurities we all have while ensuring they are hidden enough so we appear “normal” and “calm” in front of this impressionable child?  Don’t they say the first five years are the most important?  Oh boy – this kid is in trouble!

Those have to be the ones that keep me awake at night as I contemplate when the time is right to start this whole thing.  Often, it feels like I am completely blowing this out of proportion – thousands of couples do this every year, why am I so different?  I think it is the finality of it – the immense feeling of responsibility to give someone new everything of yourself and everything of this world.  I think when my baby and my husband are on our way home from the hospital, I will tell this new person that I will do my best and warn them that I am not perfect (nor will I be) but I will try the hardest that I have ever tried and I hope some day they see that.